Namaste and welcome back to davesyndrom.
Back in June 2021, when I started davesnydrom, my intuition was to create a space for a non-judgmental zone. Writing about topics that are mostly taboo in society or things that come from the deepest part of my soul: experiences, mental health, spirituality, etc., to give people new insights and maybe motivate them to see things differently. I am aware that I make myself very vulnerable by writing about my experiences from my life and sharing them online, and this blog post might be the one that makes me the most vulnerable, I’ve shared before, because it’s something very intimate. I share and write things because, back then, when I had my deep depression and started to open up, I recognized that I’m not alone and that there are a lot of people experiencing mental health problems, etc. Not only did it helped me, but it helped the other person as well to understand: “I’m not alone; I’m not alone facing this and that”. We are all individuals, but some things are just similar; maybe we haven’t had the exact same experience, but we ended up with the same thing: ending up depressed, lost, happy, etc. We all share the same words for some particular feelings and emotions, even if we haven’t experienced the same things.
In this life, I’ve felt lost a dozen times: not knowing who I was, what I wanted to achieve in my life, and the list goes on. My fire has always been when I was at my lowest, because I always knew that I don’t want to be stuck at the point where I was, so I’ve always searched, tried, and found new ways on how to work on myself to get out of this lost-zone; reading, meditation, sports, social media detox, and the list goes on. I always knew that I had my flaws and that there are a lot of things that I needed to work on. I was and always have been very self-reflected until I got myself into, into one-night-stands…
You know, the worst part is: Even if you’re kind of lost, you know what your dos and don’ts are – you have morals. Your morals and your manners, which are deeply within yourself, they maybe come from the way your parents grew you up, from traumatic events, from experiences, from seeing other people’s actions, and you might say: “I could never be like this person”, and then it happens; you end up being someone, you’ve never wanted to be – you’ve cheated yourself – and this is exactly what has happened to me.
I always was the kind of guy, who couldn’t sleep with another person, when there was no deeper connection; no love, no romance. I always thought that’s just nothing for me, and I felt confused when I heard other people talking about it, that they were able to do that, and things suddenly took a change…
In April 2023, I ended up landing on dating apps, and this was the time I truly, truly began to lose myself. In the beginning I haven’t recognized the damage that it has done to me. It was just something normal,” as I saw lots of people using it. But the longer I was on it, the more I recognized how bad it actually was and what damage it had done to me.
See when going on dating-apps at the age of 18–30, you see that there are the following people using it:
-People that are on it because they think it’s funny
-People that are searching for real love
-People that are searching for uncomplicated hook-ups
-People that are searching for friends
As any other human being, I have needs: the need to feel something, the need to feel loved, and the need to make love with another human being. Maybe my testosterone was as it peaks; I actually don’t know and don’t remember how I ended up on apps like Tinder, maybe because the last serious thing I had with the girl from Tenerife in the beginning of 2023 didn’t work out? That might be one of the reasons.
I’ve always thought it’s cringe and stupid to go on dating-apps at such a young age; it’s nothing more than superficial… Swiping right when someone looks attractive, interesting, or matches the intention you also have on this app (see the upper listing).
Don’t get me wrong: I’ve met some cool people on there, had some very interesting conversations, etc., but is that the right way? Was it worth it? We live in such a fast world. Your next friend, your next partner, your next hook-up are just one swipe away! And with every match you get, with every swipe you’ve done, you’re doing nothing more than losing yourself and destroying your dopamine-levels just like you’ve scrolled many useless hours through social media. Instead of working on yourself, you’ve been swiping, scrolling, and texting just because you’re not in control of yourself.
I always thought that I wanted to be a package full of love, trying to get to be the best version of myself, healing myself, having this crazy energy of love in me for the right person to receive it one day (in the romantic way), but when you start to do one-night-stands (and I’m talking in plural), you slowly start to give your soul away… You’re giving yourself just to satisfy your needs, and deep down, it’s actually very sad, and you actually always knew it, but your needs were higher than your true-self, so you’ve lost yourself in the process of satisfying your needs. During that time, I said to myself and heard from others sentences like: “you’re young, have fun” etc., but isn’t that just an excuse? You know, you can talk yourself everything right somehow, because you don’t want to face the truth.
Sleeping with someone, when there is love within is like two stars colliding, something such powerful and magical – it’s love.
Sleeping with someone, when there is no love involved is like drowning, drowning in your own poison, drowning in the depths of the sea, and drowning together – exchanging parts of your souls just for satisfaction.
During this time, I had plenty of conversations regarding this topic, and I often heard that it’s a common phase someone goes through at this age; it’s nothing to be judged or ashamed for, and I agree on that, but: If you ever had or are experiencing phases like this, I hope you found or you’ll find your way back out of it, before you’ve lost all your energy of love and parts of your soul in another human being; before the right one could receive it, including yourself. It’s time to heal again.
Cheers.